How Kim Davis helped me transform a wall into a door

If you had to tally up all the times in your life that you were negative, self-degrading, unconfident, or not true to yourself and compare them to the amount of time you spent being positive, uplifting, confident, and your authentic self. . . what would you find?
 
There was a time where all I used to see were walls, but now I see doors. What I saw as impassable obstacles before, I now see as challenges to be conquered and learned from. What I used to see as proof of my inabilities, I now see as opportunities to stay true to myself. I used to see walls that were unscalable, but now I see doors that simply need to be opened.
 
And do you know what changed?
 
Not that much really. . . just my mindset. You know, that little thing that helps dictate how you see the world. That little thing that can alter your attitude, behavior, actions, perspective, and ultimately your life. Yeah, that little thing. Sometimes we forget just how powerful our mindset can be.
 

Like my mindset towards Kim Davis.

 
Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis has been a challenge to my mindset lately.
 
All these posts popping up on Facebook about her refusal to issue same-sex marriage licenses have really been trying my patience. You see, I believe that when it comes to public service, your personal beliefs – whatever they may be – come second to the oath you swore to take care of the public. As an elected County Clerk, her responsibility to her community is to uphold and apply the law. If she has a personal conflict with that responsibility, then she can honor her personal beliefs by not working in an environment where her personal beliefs are contradicted by the obligations of her job and position. She made a different choice on this matter.
 
But back to those Facebook posts.
 
As I kept reading them (from both sides), and watching the storm around this issue grow bigger and bigger, I found myself wanting to get really snarkyangry about the issue. I kept thinking, “who does she think she is, lording selective religious beliefs over everyone she comes into contact with, without regard for the hurt and harm she does to others along the way? How Christian is that?? (Bitch!)” Then a friend of mine posted something about how GoFundMe’s policies would not allow Davis or her supporters to initiate or donate to funding campaigns intended to help Davis. . . and I immediately – gleefully – typed this in response:
 
“I would totally donate to a GoF*ckYourself campaign for her!”
 

Really? Is this who I am choosing to be right now? What a shitty mindset.

 
Sure, it would feel good to make this kind of remark. . . but its deliciousness would be fleeting and leave a really nasty taste behind in my mouth and heart. The same kind of nasty taste Kim’s actions have been leaving behind in me.
 
Slowly, intentionally, I deleted that sentence I was about to post.
 
I backed out of that Facebook post and refreshed my news feed. And what was the first post to pop up? A promotional post about the Daniel Goleman’s book, A Force For Good: The Dalai Lama’s Vision For Our World.

Immediately I started to laugh. “Really? Seriously?? Wow! Talk about perfect timing. Nicely played, Universe. . . nicely played!”
 
With a smile I closed my eyes, held Kim Davis – in all her imperfection – in my heart, and wished her well.
 

Yes, well.

 
I mean, can you imagine having the internet proactively hate you? Create unflattering memes of you? Want to see you go down in flames, hard? If I put myself in her shoes, this sort of a reaction would only drive me to two things: 1) it would drive me to tears, and 2) it would drive me to become that much more zealous about what I believe.
 
Do I believe what she believes? No. Do I agree with her choices? No.
 
Do I want her to be happy and well and at peace in her heart? Yes.
 
I want this for all of us, with all our crazy beliefs, because just as much as I think Kim Davis is wrong on this issue, there is someone in the world who can look at what I believe and – just as passionately – believe that I am just as wrong on this issue.
 
So, with Kim Davis, I chose to change my mindset and hold her with a bit more kindness than I had been doing. Because success, in this case, is to be able to have more inner peace, more compassion, and a bit less of an automatic hate response inside of me.
 

Because when I can free Kim Davis in my heart, I can free myself.

 
So how do you actually change your mindset?
 
Well first you have to want it. If you secretly thrive off of negativity then you won’t really want to change. Wait, actually if you are reading my blog posts then you probably aren’t that kind of person anyway, right? ;^)
 
Well then, a first step is to check your excess mental and/or emotional baggage at the door. Stop carrying around all of that unnecessary weight. Work on forgiving those around you AND yourself. I know it can be harder than that, but if you mentally imagine a suit case and then put all of the ideas, issues, and fears in that bag and then put it on a one way flight to somewhere far away, then you just might notice you feel a little lighter.
 
If you live in an area where you can make a fire (here in California, it’s not always advised), you can try a letting-go ceremony I love to do on New Year’s Eve, to clear my mind and heart for the coming new year:
 
Get some paper and a pen. Write down everything you want to let go of, using one bit of paper per thing you want to release. Now take a moment and look at what you wrote. Are there deeper themes emerging from the sentences you just wrote? For example, if I see in my slips things like “holding on to too much weight,” “feeling tired all the time,” “eating foods that hurt me”, what is the deeper theme that I may be dancing around? Explore your slips, look for the deeper themes – what you’re really needing to let go of – and write those on their own slips of paper. When you have identified those deeper themes, burn each paper slip mindfully and with intention. As the each slip burns, one at a time, say a sincere thank you for what these things and beliefs had given you in the past. Then let them go with a sense of optimism: you have just made room in your mind and heart for what you really want to see more of in your world!
 

What a relief!

 
My ultimate goal is to help us draw forth the best in ourselves and others. When we see the world with optimism, opportunity and kindness, then all of a sudden what used to look like a wall starts to look a lot like a door. These moments of ugliness in ourselves become opportunities for something better to emerge within us. . . something more true to who we choose to be. It’s this simple mindset shift that can change the way we see the world and ultimately the way we show up each day. And when we fully show up, we feel more fulfilled and happier.
 
Ultimately, the way we feel – and the way we see the world – is our choice.
 
Which of your walls will you choose to transform today?
 
I cannot wait to see what you draw forth,