The Comparison Game and Graphic Facilitation

Have I mentioned how much I dislike hanging out on Facebook?
 
Not because of the people. No, many of my friends are there, and it’s a fantastically-easy way to stay in touch with them.
 

I hate (yes, hate) Facebook because of what it does to my self-esteem as a graphic facilitator.

 
Talk about opportunities to compare my work – and my SELF – with others! Oh my goodness! My news feed is full of images of amazingly-beautiful work from my colleagues, amazing projects and workshops I’d like to be offering myself but don’t have the band-width for, expert advice on digital technologies I don’t use, and more.
 
So many times when I’d be on Facebook and a graphic facilitation-related item would show up, I’d find myself tensing up in the chest and throat while getting a bit of a sour stomach. My colleagues would be posting things worthy of celebration: new workshops, amazing images, important achievements for their businesses. And I wouldn’t want to look at them. I’d see their post, that tightness would arise, and I’d quickly scan past the post to the next one. . . hopefully a video about kittens doing cute things.
 
I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate the success of my colleagues. I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate their work or gifts. I couldn’t allow myself to be happy for them.
 
All I could do was compare myself to what they were posting and feel less-than.
 

Can you relate to this? Or is it just me?

 
I wasn’t creating stunning illustrations like they were. Never mind that I love my style and so do my clients. . . or that just yesterday during a project an expectant mother asked me to paint the mural in for her baby’s room because she adores what I draw. Or that I’m a darned-good facilitator who helps my client teams achieve results they previously only dreamed of. Or that I know this because my clients tell me this all the time. Clearly, my work is not up to snuff.
 
I wasn’t carving out enough time to craft and offer more of my own workshops. Never mind that I haven’t had time to offer workshops because my services are in such high demand and that my project schedule is jam-packed with the type of active facilitation projects I absolutely adore doing with my ideal clients. Never mind that I prefer facilitating team processes with my clients over offering general skill-building workshops for the public. And never mind that I WAY prefer teaching these teams how to draw forth the best in themselves and each other than focusing on how to draw dragons. Clearly, I’m a failure for not running workshops every other week, jam packed with smiling business people learning to draw those dragons.
 
I wasn’t achieving enough with my business or promoting my business enough. Never mind that my business has blown through its goals every year since I started it. Never mind that it’s operating at the upper edge of the project capacity I prefer. Never mind that shilling with overt marketing campaigns is simply not my style. Clearly, I’m a slacker business owner, not doing enough.
 
You know the part of this that really sucks? I really love and admire the people who are posting these items. These are the people whose work I adore, whose vision inspires me, and whose accomplishments I’d rather be celebrating than avoiding. Some of these people I know in real life, others I only really know via Facebook, but in my heart they are ALL my friends.
 
So why can’t I just be happy for them? Why can’t I just enjoy their work and celebrate their successes?
 

Oh yeah, that’s right: I CAN.

 
And if you relate to this comparison game, you can too.
 
Look. Everyone compares themselves to someone else. Someone else’s work is prettier, someone else’s facilitation is more natural and skillful. Someone else beats me to the punch for an idea I want to execute. Someone else is living the kind of life I always thought I wanted to.
 
It sucks. And what sucks even more is that we cause this suffering for ourselves.
 
Other people’s accomplishments are not the source of our suffering. Our suffering arises in how we choose to respond to those accomplishments.
 
When I first became aware. . . no, that’s not right. When I first allowed myself to admit that I was avoiding other practitioners’ posts because I kept comparing myself to those colleagues, I thought about whether or not this was how I truly wanted to be with these people and with myself.
 
It wasn’t. Honestly, I’d much rather be happy for them, learn from them, celebrate with them, and keep on keepin’ on with a joyful heart than to eat myself alive from the inside with envy and disdain for people I actually loved.
 
So if this was what I really wanted to experience when my friends and colleagues posted on Facebook, how was I going to make that possible?
 

I needed a strategy. Here’s what I came up with:

 
1) I noticed the desire to avoid. When I came across one of those posts from a colleague and caught myself flying past it (as if the thing was too hot to touch), I’d notice myself actually doing that. Then I’d stop myself and sit with how I felt right then. Not what I thought, but how I felt physically, right there in that moment. Typically, my chest would feel tight, my throat would feel tight, and I’d feel a bit like I was subtly curving forward or hunching over as if I was protecting my heart. It felt like fear and defensiveness. So I sat for a moment, just noticing these physical sensations and breathing into them. Then:
 
2) I went back to the post. I’d take another breath and scroll back to the post I so hastily avoided. Focusing on my breathing instead of any thoughts, I read the post and looked at the pictures. Interestingly, when I did this I was typically happier for the people who were posting. Not always, though. So:
 
3) I formally thought good thoughts for them. Looking at the picture of the person sharing their happy moment, I took another deep breath and thought good thoughts for them and what they shared. “Your work is beautiful. . . so crisp! The people in your workshop look like they are having a wonderful time, and so do you! I’m so happy you get to do things that fill you up and feed your passion! I am happy that you are happy. I am happy to celebrate your success with you, because your success is my success!” Even when I didn’t genuinely feel the happy in my heart for them, I generated the thoughts. And just like “fake it ’til you make it,” those happy thoughts became true in my heart. Once those well wishes became genuine in my heart:
 
4) I kept on keepin’ on. Taking one last look at the post, I took another deep breath and moved on, focusing on the happy feelings and how my body felt: lighter, looser, breathing more easily, more open. What a relief!
 

Nowadays, I view Facebook as a practice instead of a place.

 
Do I hate Facebook? No, not really. I don’t like what it shows me about myself at times, and I sometimes resent the work it requires me do to make myself more of the person I strive to be, but the feeling now is more like the dislike I felt for having to practice the piano when I was a kid. And I know that my practice time is paying off.
 
I’m not on Facebook all day every day, but when I’m there nowadays it’s a much different experience than the comparison caravan and FOMO-fest that Facebook has been for me.
 
It’s a place for me to consciously run into the things that trigger the not-so-attractive parts of myself, to sit with those reactions, and to choose a different way to respond within myself.
 
Because of this, Facebook is helping me become a better person and a better friend.
 
So please keep posting pictures of your inspiring work and your amazing successes. And if I’m not posting any comments to celebrate with you, you know what I’m really doing. (Working my way up to adding a step 5: actually writing what I’m thinking for you!)
 
I cannot wait to see what you draw forth,