“I thought you might be crashing now after all the build-up and excitement,” my partner said to me over brunch last Friday. I had just completed my first of three oral defenses for my Ph.D. in psychology and wanted to celebrate my newly minted candidacy over chilaquiles and champagne. I felt like I was on a cloud, the defense went that well.
“No!” I responded, “I’m still feeling wonderful about this! My presentation went well, I was able to handle every question they had for me, we went the full hour and a half, and I loved every moment of it!”
That was Friday. Today is Tuesday. And now, rather than feeling like I’m on a cloud, I feel like I’m flying through the air. I’ve lept, but where do I land? You see, my committee members and I are waiting to hear if I can get special approval from the dean of my colleague to take my first dissertation course over the summer rather than wait for the fall semester. If I can do this, it will have a dramatic effect on my progress and timeline. If I cannot…well, I’ll be working on some things on my own over the summer but I would not be able to pursue my actual research.
Needless to say, not knowing is weighing me down just a wee bit.
I am so grateful and blessed to have the dissertation committee that I do. They all want to see me progress with my momentum, and they are willing to oversee the summer course to help me move forward. They are tremendous supporters and advocates: my rocks and my rock-and-roll promoters. Honestly, the dean of my college is the same way – a steadfast supporter and all-around groovy person. My fear, I think, comes from the university’s policies themselves. Are they written in stone? Is what I want to do (take a dissertation course over the summer) not allowed or not typically done? There’s a difference.
So here I am, soaring through the air mid-leap after successfully passing through the first of three gates for my dissertation. Will I be able to touch down in a summer course and take my next leap (oral defense #2: proposal defense) before the fall semester? Or will I land in an ocean of delay and self-guided progress until the fall semester starts? Right now, I don’t know. Then again, I have not yet begun to descend.
I remain in the air, soaring, mid-leap.
Perhaps it is best at this point not to look down. To enjoy the rush of the wind flying by. To bask in the heat of that flaming hoop I just leaped through. To feel the liberation of transformation from Ph.D. student to Ph.D. candidate. To let the progress, the work yet to be done, simply fall away in this moment. It will still be there when it’s time for me to descend.
In my dreams, I am able to fly.
I leap into the air and soar like a bird.
I ride the currents of the skies
Loving the feel of the wind through my feathers
Loving the big-picture view from above
Soaring down far below
Trusting always the wind
Under my wings.
When am I truly awake?
